IN

Well.....finally I found out!  I am in for fall 2011, that's right.....2011, not 2010.  They decided to delay my acceptance to give me another year in recovery.  I am excited about getting accepted, however, not so pleased about where my honesty got me.  I feel I am ready to go now.  I was as open and honest with them as possible, because I did not want anything to come back to bite me.  My story is a long one, and maybe one day I will post it on here, but in brief consists of 4 tx centers, 5 admissions (I was in 1 tx center twice).....I've been to 3 different Universities, and 2 different Community Colleges just to get my Bachelor's, I've been on 30+ psychiatric medications over the course of 8 years all in the attempt at decreasing my ever-present depression, all of which have failed, and I've been through approx. 5-6 different diagnoses (Anorexia, Bulimia, Major Depression, EDNOS, General Anxiety Disorder, and was once actually diagnosed Bipolar even though I am not) in treatment centers or combinations thereof.  Whew.....way to spill the beans.  So I guess when you look at it from their view, I am quite daunting to take on.  I am glad they gave me a chance, though.  They must have seen some kind of sparkle of something.  It does give me an extra year to get some more Art classes under my belt, and get a better grip on my Depression, and ways to cope with the lows that I experience from time to time.  So I suppose the decision was a good one, although I feel ready now.  God has something in mind, and I know that there is a reason I am supposed to wait that extra year.

Pick yourself up.

Well, inevitably, it happened.  Last Monday, April 5, I purged.  I don't want to excuse the incident, however I was under a tremendous amount of stress and I am currently dealing with a bout of depression which just made it all worse.  I made it 118 days.  I am back on the horse, though.  I plan to make it another 118.  It seems as though Depression always likes to loom it's dark cloud over me during this time of year.  When spring is arriving, weather is getting better, things should be looking up....I go way down.  Sometimes I don't think people fully comprehend the debilitating effects of my depression.  I suppose depression shows itself in different ways in different people.  I am unable to do basically ANYTHING.  I cry, cry, and cry some more.  I sleep most of the day, but never feel rested.  I get headaches that make me sensitive to light and sound.  All I want to do is be alone.  I had another dark day today, and although I did not use any ED behaviors, slept mostly all day.  I have been up now since around 4:00 pm, trying to complete work and get some things done around the house.  I get stuck in my head when depression hits....I don't really necessarily think negative thoughts, or at least, I am not aware of it....it is more of a total body numbness.  I feel nothing.  I am blank.  I have had periods of seriously staring at a wall blankly for 30+min.  This is what makes me so nervous about Art Therapy school.  When these waves come during that time.....what will I do?  Will I make it?  I still have heard nothing from the school regarding whether or not I have been accepted.  I actually decided to e-mail them today about it, so we will see what comes of that.  I had to call in to work tonight because of the depression.  It makes me hurt inside that this will be my reality.  That depressive waves will always be a part of me.  I wish I could make them go away for good.

The "Ache"

Today has been one of those days.  I have been experiencing what I call the "ache".  The ache to be sick again.  To be skinny sick again.  To be so sick I need to go inpatient again.  I just miss environment of my last tx facility so bad sometimes.  Even 3 years out.  It never changes my food intake that day or anything, it just depresses me for about a week.  Makes me cry.  I want to feel that love, that companionship of being with others who understand.  I feel like I don't fit in with that crowd anymore, and it's scary.  I don't know who I am becoming.  I don't know if I like it.  I want to be sick so people will take care of me.  Listen to me.  Pay attention to me.  Check up on me.  People don't do that when you are not sick.  I feel like I am mourning the loss of my Eating Disorder.  Then I feel stupid for doing that because it was so stupid of me to have one in the first place.  I just want to feel pretty again.  I don't feel that way now.  I used to, but now I don't.  I had to put on my Easter dress today and I just felt terrible in front of that mirror.  I am not going to go down that road again, by any means, but days like these are hard.  I don't like them.  I keep trying to tell myself, your on day 114....., you haven't restricted in who knows how long....., but it doesn't help.  I want days like this to dissappear.  I want to just be able to accept my body, however it looks, and appreciate it.  I just feel like that is so hard.