1 Year

So, I just realized that nearly one year ago today.....it would have been January 13.......I attempted to end everything.  It was a very silly thing that set it off, but more deeply rooted emotions behind the feelings.  I am proud of myself for how far I have come in a year.  Although the memory still haunts me at times, and the event itself was quite scary.  I feel extremely guilty for the event itself, and for the anguish I put the person through who "set it off" who in reality had nothing to do with it.   I also feel extreme guilt for the pain and stress I put on my parents.

I was in an extremely fragile state.  I was teetering with having multiple decisions to make, about school, boys, where to live, money, and it was all extremely overwhelming for me.  I am not a good decision maker and having that many to make all at one time was too much.  What I needed to do at the time was take a step back, take a deep breath, and take things one step at a time, rather than feeling as though I had to tackle it all at once.

Some decisions, I have realized, come over time.  At least for me, anyway.  I usually come to the best conclusion when I am least stressed.  So, trying to make any kind of decision at that time last year was not a good idea anyway.  I was not in the right mindset at all.  Allowing myself the rest of this year to come to some conclusions about these decisions I have been needing to make has been best for me, and I have been able to actually decide on all of them.  I just need to remember not to stress myself out by forcing myself to make decisions quickly.

I also need to remember not to be scared to make a decision based on what I think other people are going to think of my decision.  First of all, it is my life, and I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions.  And second, I am also willing to accept advice and take it into consideration when making a decision.  I just can't let other people's advice rule my decision.  I think this is a lot of what I was dealing with at that time, fear of disappointing my family, and it had built up to the point where it became hard to bear.

I am just happy to be where I am today at this moment, and glad that God granted me the second chance I have right now.

Hiatus

As you can probably tell, I have taken quite a hiatus from blogging.  Honestly, I don't really know if anyone is still following on here!  However, I do want to make a post.

The hiatus from June until now has been absolutely positive.  In fact.....ED is a very small part of my day to day life these days.  I have had no ED behaviors whatsoever since June of 2011.  Making the new year ring in 6 months behavior free.  Honestly, I just realized this a few weeks ago, as I had not really been keeping any count of anything....it just sort of snuck up on me.

I have been fairly engrossed in enjoying LIFE......rather than finding ways to self-destruct.  Sure, I will be completely honest, it hasn't been easy.....I still have days that I feel down, have crying spells, feel gross and ugly, but the reality is I am choosing NOT to let them define me anymore.  I just can't live my life obsessed with my weight and with unrealistic expectations of what I think I "should" look like.  It is not only unfair to me but it is unfair to everyone around me.

2011 has honestly been a wonderful year.  One of the best of my life.  I can finally say now that I am truly recovered, and it feels amazing.  Also, I am now ENGAGED!!  Which feels pretty darn good too.  He proposed on Christmas, and it was wonderful.  I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together and see how things unfold.

I am going back to school in January after FINALLY making up my mind on something.  I'm just going to stick it out.  I have come to the realization that, for me, a job is never going to be what fills me up everyday.  It is always going to be just a job.  I know that some people would argue that I just need to find the right thing.....however, if you would get to know me a little better, you would know that I've been there, tried that method.  That method resulted in my past of having changed majors a total of 6 or 7 times (I can't exactly remember them all) and having been at 4 different Universities and 3 different community colleges over the years.  My mind doesn't work that way.  My home life and family is always going to be what fills me up, and so I am going for a major and job that will hopefully result in a regular 9-5 job Monday thru Friday with weekends and holidays off.

My fiancee and I are hoping to be married at the end of May.  I know that is not a whole lot of time to plan a wedding, but we want a very small wedding.  We were originally hoping to go to Vegas and get married, which isn't totally out of the picture yet, but then my grandma wouldn't be able to see me get married.

So anyways.....that is a bit of an update.  I am hoping to maybe get on here once a month and update, just about how things are and what is going on in my life.  The blog will not really be very ED related anymore, but more of just entries about what I'm up to or into at that particular time.  I hope that everybody had a very Merry Christmas and best wishes for a Fabulous 2012 (if anybody is still reading!!)

Bad Days

Ugh.  I feel like something is not right.  For the past two months or so, I've been having days where I am so fatigued that I am having a really hard time shaking myself awake enough to get up and be a functioning person of society.  These "days" have become more and more frequent.  It's like I'm walking around in this fog all day, and I just can't shake it.  I have been doing a little bit of investigating, and I think it may be related to my blood pressure.  My went to the dentist on Tuesday, and my blood pressure was abnormally low, even for me, and I tend to run on the low side.  I think it may be contributing to the fatigue on the days I feel so down.  It's weird, though, because it only lasts for that day and then I usually can come out of it by the next day.  I don't know.  Even my Adderall doesn't help on those days.  As a result of feeling so fatigued, I also start to feel pretty depressed, and that is NOT good.  All those feelings of being worthless start to come flooding back.  Not to mention that I have been having horrible body image.  I e-mailed my doctor, but he wants to talk to me over the phone, and I have not been able to catch him yet.  I am hoping that we will be able to figure something out.  I bought a blood pressure monitor today, but I am a little leery of it after reading some of the reviews about the particular model I bought online.  The reviews online say it is not accurate....so I may be needing to buy a different model.  They are expensive!!  I went for the cheapest one I could find, and I guess that wasn't the best idea.  My pulse is abnormally high as well.  My doc thinks that my body may be compensating for the low BP by raising my pulse.....I don't know.  I am just hoping that it is not cardiac related at all.  It would really suck to find out that after all this time I actually have screwed up my heart, especially now that I am doing so much better with my ED.

Update time

Overall things have been going alright these past few weeks.  My new job has been keeping me fairly busy.  I've been working about 3-4 days per week, about 15-20 hours per week.  I like it a lot so far, and I feel like the people are all really nice.  I do the best job I can, and it seems to be good enough.  This past Saturday was a very long day for me, as I was scheduled to work 8 AM - 3 PM, which I worked, but then it turned out that the girl working the shift after me called off, and they couldn't find a single person to fill the shift!!  So they asked me if I would be willing to work some of it.  I was REALLY tired, but I felt horrible leaving just one girl there to attend to the entire store all by herself, so I agreed to work 5 PM - 9 PM as well.  Needless to say, it was a LONG day.  My feet were killing me by the time it was all over.

Not too much else is really all that new.  I have moved my appointments with my team down to once a month, which is a big step for me, and I am handling it okay.  It is actually kind of nice not to have to make that long drive so often.

I did see my psychiatrist a few weeks ago, and everything medication-wise is remaining the same for now.  Eventually, I would really like to come off of some of this stuff, to see if I really need some of it, but I think for now, my psychiatrist wants to be cautious, and just maintain me where I am.  I am having some weird symptoms that I think may me side effects of the meds, though.  I am starting to sleep a lot again, and I am not even on any sleep meds.  I am worried a bit about that.  Part of me worries that it is depression sneaking up on me, but I really don't think it is.  I am afraid that the Adderall is not working as well as it was, and the other meds are making me sleepy.  I don't know, though, because some nights, I can't sleep.

My current relationship is still going very well.  I am very much in love with him.  Honestly, it feels like we have known each other so much longer than just 4 months.  I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us.  Don't get me wrong, things haven't been PERFECT, we've had our moments.....but all in all, everything is working great.  Living together is going well, and overall we haven't gotten too annoyed by each other's company ;)  I have found that I don't hold back around him, and allow myself to say what I feel.  I don't let things bottle up and stew.  I think that's part of the reason I feel like things are going so well for both of us.  He is definitely not afraid to say what he things or how he feels, so I guess it makes me feel the same way.  It's so much better that way!! 

Missing it.....and lost motivation

Sometimes, I will have days where I honestly miss my days of anorexia.  Sick, huh??  Not the pain of it, but other things.  The illness brings with it a certain security, and a simplicity.  There is a control aspect of it that is calming to me.  To have my life so regimented, down to each moment.....what I will do, eat, how I will exercise, etc. It brings a certain security.  I know that in all honesty this is also my OCD and perfectionism speaking, and that the days of my anorexia were really a hellish nightmare, but because I was so isolated at the time, I could basically control EVERY aspect of my life.  I had no friends, well.....at least no friends who would bother to actually stop by and force me out of isolation or break my daily "schedule".  I had "acquaintances", more or less.  Having so much control was somewhat of a power trip, and at times, I think I miss that aspect of the disease.  I think I tend to be a very all-or-nothing person.  I am either doing something 100% or not at all. 

The point of my post is that I think I have let myself become a bit of a slacker.....and no, I am honestly NOT being too hard on myself.  I think at this point in my life I still sometimes underestimate my abilities because I think of myself as "sick" or "severely depressed" Mary, not the person I am today......and I am not just talking about my relationship with food.  I know that I have been somewhat slacking in this area.....not really following any meal plan, perhaps over eating at times, and when I'm not really hungry, but it really applies to all aspects of my life.

During my recovery process, I've slacked more in school, in my organizational skills, and even in personal hygiene.  When I came back from Tx last, I slacked in school A LOT.  Not studying hardly at all.  I still passed, but didn't get the grades I usually got.  Organizationally, I am much more of a slob, and hygiene-wise, I've gotten a lot better, but at one point (about 2 years ago) I would go a day or two without taking a shower.  I know some of this was depression, but now, I feel like I am stuck in a funk.  Like I am still in the "depression mentality".

Honestly, I don't want to be a neat freak, clean freak, or a goody-two shoes in school, I don't need the pressure.  However, it would be nice to regain some of the motivation I used to have.  I feel as though I have done a complete 360 from the person I used to be.  It seems odd.  I don't know how to regain my old motivation.

Pendulum

I feel like a pendulum.  I feel like I am constantly swinging back and forth between different levels of behaviors or different situations that I put myself in.  For example, 4 years ago, I hit rock bottom with my weight/restriction.  I was inpatient, and on a high weight gain diet for 6 weeks.  I don't want to mention any numbers here, but it was bad.

However, at this point in my life, I feel I have swung to another extreme.  I am teetering on the edge of being classified as "overweight", according to charts.  Although my bulimia is somewhat under control, I feel like food is now something that I do out of boredom.  I notice that when I get anxious or bored, I tend to resort to food.  This is just equally as unhealthy.

It is just really disappointing to feel like you have done a lot of work, only to realize that in a way, food still has such control over your life.  I just want to be a normal weight.  I want to not obsess about food.  I want to be able to stop myself when I feel full, and only eat when I feel hungry.....why is that SO hard??

Update

Well, I must admit.....I have been a bit hesitant to write again because I had a slip up.  It seems to me that whenever I come close to approaching a big goal I set for myself I slip up.  I don't know if it is truely self-sabatoge or not, but at times it seems like it.

I have been a bit more stressed lately.  I finally found a job, and I have been in the process of gettin hired.  I will be working at the local Rite Aid store here.  I am extremely nervous about it, but trying to reassure myself that things will be fine.  It is just nerve-wracking because I know that I tend to get overwhelmed very easily, and I know at Jo-Ann Fabrics (my last job) I had a hard time.

I have been more weight-focused recently, I feel like I can't stop eating! I feel huge.  I have gained weight.  I feel yucky, but I am trying to tell myself I am okay.  That weight does not define me.  It is just hard sometimes.  Some days are better than others.  I have not restricted or used any behaviors other than that one time, though, which is good.

I've been more tired recently, but at the same time had trouble sleeping.....so I don't know what is up with that.  Sometimes I worry that another bout of depression is coming on, but up to this point, if it is another bout of depression it has been quite mild.  I am hoping to just ride it out for the next month or so, keeping myself on a schedule, and hoping it will pass.